The key to happiness is to spend most of your time doing the things you love with the people you love to spend time with. Simple, right?
Image courtesy of Antonio Thomás Koenigkam Oliveira
Self care
Focus on the Important Stuff
I stopped at Kmart recently to return some photo frames that weren’t the right size. It was mayhem. They were in the midst of an event that’s held for families in need: children could come in and receive up to $80 of items for school. They were gathered around their parents, standing in line, running about. It was endearing to see these kids so happy. When I left, I saw a few families sitting on some rocks and the kids were looking through their bags with excitement.
This experience made me think about the things I’ve been focused on lately. We’re redoing the kitchen – not a complete redesign, just updating – and as we’re doing that, we’ve noticed other things that need work or updating. (Have you ever noticed that replacing one item can cost you a small fortune because the surrounding items suddenly appear shabby?) In any case, I’ve been thinking about that. And about my birthday. And about my kids’ upcoming college expenses. All fine things, normal things, to be thinking about. But when I saw those kids, I realized just how shallow my world can be – how protected I am from some of the hardships of life. I hope that, from now on, I spend my time thinking about more important things than the knobs on my cabinets.
Photo courtesy of ann_jutatip
How About Some R&R?
“And so taking the long way home through the market I slow my pace down. It doesn’t come naturally. My legs are programmed to trot briskly and my arms to pump up and down like pistons, but I force myself to stroll past the stalls and pavement cafes. To enjoy just being somewhere, rather than rushing from somewhere, to somewhere. Inhaling deep lungfuls of air, instead of my usual shallow breaths. I take a moment to just stop and look around me. And smile to myself.
For the first time in a long time, I can, quite literally, smell the coffee.”– Alexandra Potter, “The Two Lives of Miss Charlotte Merryweather”
My family loves to watch “Modern Family” together. My boys tease that I’m just like Claire Dunphy – the organized, overbearing, over-scheduled perfectionist. Tonight, we saw an episode in which a number of the characters were driving together and almost hit a truck. They all experienced varying levels of fear and clarity that life is so tenuous.
Luke decided to pull out his “bucket list” and check off every item, Claire became incredibly aware of how scheduled her life had become, Haley and Alex spent some quality time together. It got me thinking about the things I plan to do “when there’s time.” I run a pretty tight ship and rarely do things that aren’t on my list or calendar happen. I have this theory that people who don’t plan also don’t get anything done.
I actually schedule “R&R” days on my calendar (yes, I even schedule those). This is a day that everyone in my household (including myself) can do whatever we want – no questions asked. Maybe we all (especially the Claire’s) need more of those kinds of days and less of the ones with items to check off.
Taking Care of Others Takes Care of You
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” Leo Buscaglia
I was recently in Chicago, sitting in a busy plaza watching city dwellers hurry to their destinations. I was savoring my last few minutes when an old woman appeared to my left and sat near me. She was wrapped in a tattered coat and had a cart on wheels filled with clothes and blankets and bright old sneakers that didn’t appear to be hers. She sat there for a few minutes and then lay her head down on the cement bench. I watched how others reacted to her. Most would glance, take a harder look, and then move ahead quickly, as if hesitation might incline them to assist, or to listen to their conscience asking, “How can you ignore this?”
A few questions raced through my head:
- What if that were me?
- What if that were my Mother or Father?
- The wind is so cold in Chicago, where does she go?
- Why do so many of us think, “Someone else will take care of her”?
I spoke to her as I was leaving and gave her some money, more than I’ve ever given anyone I didn’t know. As I was walking away, the most amazing thing happened. The sun appeared – not gradually as you’d expect with a cloud moving by – but suddenly and blindingly. It was a beautiful moment, both inside and out.
Fill Yourself Up
One way to ensure you’re always at your best is to fill yourself up. Fill yourself with all the happiness you can find.
Ten ways to start:
- Make or buy yourself a delicious cup of coffee or tea
- Call an old friend just to say, “Hey!”
- Visit a neighborhood shop and browse
- Hug all the special people in your life
- Go for a nice walk and stop midway to look up at the trees and sky
- Set aside 30 minutes for a great book
- Congratulate yourself on all your accomplishments
- Pet your cat or dog for a full five minutes
- Luxuriate in a hot bat or shower
- Listen to some beautiful music
As you fill yourself up, you’ll most assuredly share that love and happiness with those around you. And so it continues.
He’s Just Not That Into You
The movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You” was on last week. I had seen it years ago, when it was first released, and thought, “Yes, of course!” and wished I’d learned that lesson when I was 16. How much anguish would that have saved?
If you haven’t seen the film, the message is that if a guy likes you, you’ll know it. I remember one guy I’d met at a bar sent me roses the next day. I hadn’t given him my phone number or address and this was long before the internet. He had found it through some other source. Scary? Maybe. Romantic? Absolutely. Ladies, my point is that you should not have to decipher his comments. If he likes you, you’ll know it.
Now that I’m in a good relationship, it seems so elementary. But I remember being single and wondering, “Did he lose my number?” or telling myself, “Oh, he’s probably just busy at work and that’s why he forgot to call when he said he would,” and other nauseous self talk.
If you’re waiting for the phone to ring, stop.
Snapped!
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?”
Excerpt from “Firework“ by Katy Perry
You know how sometimes you’ll read about a woman who’s snapped? She’s in the grocery store and flips out or she’s driving down the road and slams into a tree, all for no reason at all, or so it seems? I was that woman today. No, I didn’t hurt anyone and you won’t read about me in the news, but I did have a particularly stressful morning.
I take my boys to school every day. Their schools are relatively close to each other but not very close to my house and actually pretty far from my work. On this particular morning, my oldest wanted to get to school earlier than usual. If we’re in the car by 7:05 am, we can make it. We weren’t. For one thing, I reminded them that they needed to dump the trash and recycle. Why they’re unable to notice both of these items stacked up like ice cream cones is beyond me.
Anyway, after scrambling with breakfasts, lunches, and chores, we jump in the car and head to the highway. This morning, it was at a standstill. What to do? Take a chance and hope it clears up or go another route? I chose another route. Wrong. First, the lights are working against us, then a firetruck has to back into the firehouse, then traffic is so bad that I can’t access the street I need to get to the first school. Heading to the second school was almost as bad – there were literally two geese crossing Colorado Boulevard. What?!
At this point, I realized that I was really stressed. Unfortunately, realizing you’re stressed doesn’t mean you can do anything about it. In fact, it can actually add to your stress level because you’re now in flight or fight mode and ready to rumble. We all have these days. What to do when this happens? Just breathe. Take five deep breaths and realize tomorrow is another day. Oh, and try not to strangle anyone.
Take Care of You
I’ve never been a fan of the premise of the film, “Pretty Woman” – beautiful woman in dire situation saved by handsome man. I rather like that a woman can save herself. However, there’s one line that I love. Throughout the film, our heroine and her girlfriend tell each other, “Take care of you.”
It’s so important, and yet so easy to forget. Women, especially, have this drive to care for others: our men, children, parents, families, friends, pets, plants, you name it. But the most important one we should be concerned with is ourselves. If we’re happy, we’ll make others happy too.
So whether you’re male or female, take a moment now and take care of you.
Live a Good Life
I had the privilege of attending a wedding recently and sitting next to a 92-year-old man. He was a friend’s Dad and he was certainly not what I would picture when I think 92 years. He was in good shape, had great hearing, didn’t wear glasses, and was complaining that the wine wasn’t sweet enough.
At the risk of being rude, I asked him what his secret was. “What secret?” he barked. “The secret to being 92 years old.” “Oh, that,” he answered quickly, as though he’s asked all the time – which I’m sure he is. “The secret is to be careful and live a good life.”
He went on to tell me some stories about his time in the military but my mind kept whirling around those few words: “Live a Good Life.” Not – take your vitamins, run 3 miles a day, avoid sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t smoke, stay away from cheeseburgers, or jump through hoops to look younger than you are. Simply “Live a Good Life.”
“What does that look like?” I thought. “Am I doing it right now?”
I’ve become achingly aware lately that I am not immortal. And yet there’s so much left to do. See the pyramids, learn to play the piano, read all of the classics, watch Monty Python a few hundred more times, deliver flowers to ladies in nursing homes and cookies to the men, find an amazing red dress and wear it, dance in the middle of the street, learn the constellations, learn Spanish, lie on the beach and listen to the waves, learn how to read palms and how to milk a cow. So much!
Whether I have five years left or 50, I’ll strive to make the most of it so that when I’m at the end, I can say that I too, lived a good life.
Letting Go
A friend of mine asked me how to forgive. Wow, talk about a million dollar question.
I thought back on my life and the times when I hung on to blame and fury. The simplest thing could set me off and instead of recognizing it for what it was, I seethed more.
I liken forgiveness to a boat on a river. When you’re angry or blaming another for anything in your life, you’re working against the river. You’re clenched against a losing battle, trying desperately to hold close to that rock. You may hold your ground but you’ll never move ahead and you will, most likely, move back.
When you forgive, when you let things go, all of a sudden the river calms. You simply float.
But how do you get there? The first step is to recognize that you need to change your viewpoint and that you’re only hurting yourself. Anger does not affect anyone but you. Remember when you flew off the handle at something seemingly benign? You can thank the anger for that.
The next step is to view what you’ve been through as an avenue of growth. You survived it and learned something in the process. Are you stronger? More independent? Do you value life or love or friendship differently? I view life as one big lesson. That’s why we’re so much wiser as we age.
The third step is to imagine the situation from the other person’s perspective. None of us are faultless or perfect. How would he or she share the story? It’s highly doubtful you would be relayed as a victim – and you don’t want to be the victim anyway. You are strong and resilient.
The last step, and this one may take a while, is to wish him or her well in the future. It is true that everything we put out there returns to us. So even if this person is no longer in your life, if you’ve parted ways, be happy that you had some time together and wish the best for both of you.
“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” Author unknown.