Today is my Mom’s birthday. She would be 86. I miss her so.
I always wondered why that saying doesn’t finish. Why not, “I miss her so much“? But sometimes, “much” isn’t enough. Sometimes you just have to leave it blank.
I still can’t believe she’s gone. We were beyond close, connected on so many levels. We’d call each other when we were sad, happy, mad, confused, or wondering what the other was doing. She’d pick up the phone and instead of “Hi, how are you?” I’d say, “Hi, what are you doing?” because it made me feel like I was there.
She had this great house that was always messy and always had plenty of food. It was the most comfortable house I’ve ever known, and to this day, any time I dream of me at home, I’m in that home. Not the home I’ve lived in for 17 years. Not the homes I’ve lived in previously. That home.
Mom was always open to the spirits. She had received communications from those who had died. I guess I thought we’d share the same kind of connection. I did dream about her the other night. I took her to her job at a grocery store (at which she worked in my dream) and some men were flirting with her. She loved it and I did too. She’s still got it, I thought. My friend in Book Club told me that spirits reach out to us through our dreams. I like that. I’m clinging to that.
My boyfriend made me cry the other night. Well, he didn’t make me. He allowed me. I was telling him about her. How she’d always give me money for my trips (even my work trips), how she helped raise my boys, how she supported me in so many ways. And I started to cry a bit. I’m not one to show my feelings so I swallowed it down. But he held me close and said, “It’s okay, you don’t have to hold back with me. It’s okay to cry.”
I miss her so.