Today is my Mom’s birthday. She would be 86. I miss her so.
I always wondered why that saying doesn’t finish. Why not, “I miss her so much“? But sometimes, “much” isn’t enough. Sometimes you just have to leave it blank.
I still can’t believe she’s gone. We were beyond close, connected on so many levels. We’d call each other when we were sad, happy, mad, confused, or wondering what the other was doing. She’d pick up the phone and instead of “Hi, how are you?” I’d say, “Hi, what are you doing?” because it made me feel like I was there.
She had this great house that was always messy and always had plenty of food. It was the most comfortable house I’ve ever known, and to this day, any time I dream of me at home, I’m in that home. Not the home I’ve lived in for 17 years. Not the homes I’ve lived in previously. That home.
Mom was always open to the spirits. She had received communications from those who had died. I guess I thought we’d share the same kind of connection. I did dream about her the other night. I took her to her job at a grocery store (at which she worked in my dream) and some men were flirting with her. She loved it and I did too. She’s still got it, I thought. My friend in Book Club told me that spirits reach out to us through our dreams. I like that. I’m clinging to that.
My boyfriend made me cry the other night. Well, he didn’t make me. He allowed me. I was telling him about her. How she’d always give me money for my trips (even my work trips), how she helped raise my boys, how she supported me in so many ways. And I started to cry a bit. I’m not one to show my feelings so I swallowed it down. But he held me close and said, “It’s okay, you don’t have to hold back with me. It’s okay to cry.”
I miss her so.
Thank you, Jo. You are a great Mom too.
Cherie, I’ve thought of you and your mother all through her birthday month. I think of your mom raising the boys, she was so wonderful.
Love you and take care,
Jo.
I enjoyed reading your blog and can only imagine at your sorrow and loss as you remember your dear mom. She was a force of life to all who had the great fortune to know her. I miss her as well.
And I wish I could let it out. But the good thing is, we have each other.
Thank you Greg. I do know she’s somewhere better. I have no doubt about that. And maybe someday we’ll connect even more. I’ll certainly keep trying.
I’ve been pondering your question, “Why start a blog?” and you’re right; it would be a good topic. There are so many reasons that I wonder why I waited so long.
I hope you’re well too, and look forward to hearing what else you think of my crazy thoughts.
Will it ever get easier to be without our best friend, confidante, and Mom?! I wish I were as strong as you and could hide my pain, but I can’t! I still cry for my runny Babbitt daily!
Hi Cherie!
I feel your sadness. I encourage you to have faith that she’s not gone; only in a different place. To turn a different phrase, part of her still resides in your heart. Just know that you can still talk to her. The beautiful thing is – And she will respond if you really need her to. You just have to open your heart and listen very close, because she will most often “whisper”. I wish you peace!
Good luck with the blog. Would be interested to hear why, exactly, you decided to start one. Maybe a future blog topic????
Wishing you well, and missing you more than you may know. You’re a good Lady, Cherie LeDoux!